Two summers ago, I had the privilege of spending time with a fifteen year old high school student who was born a girl, appeared to be a boy, but identified as non-binary gender. If that is confusing to you or if that makes you shake your head in disbelief or even anger, please stay with me and read this story.
I was acting as a team advisor for a week at a local summer program. I think I had fourteen students in my group, including the non-binary, who I’ll call Joe. Joe had a bit of a mysterious appearance. There was something in his face, maybe it was the cheekbones, that hinted at femininity. He was also very thin and small of stature. But, he dressed as a boy, was staying in a (private) room in the boys’ dorm, and used the boys’ rest rooms. Overall, though, there wasn’t any reason to think he wasn’t a boy.
But, I knew.
The program organizers had specifically assigned Joe to my group, believing and trusting that I had the love within me to respect and handle all that this child presented. I treated him like all the other students but noticed that he was clearly troubled. Joe was very quiet, sat by himself, rarely spoke, and kept his head down while carefully watching what was happening around the room.
During an icebreaker activity late on our first day, one of the questions was to share something about yourself that most other people don’t know. Surprisingly, Joe went for it. He took a deep breath and quietly shared that he was non-binary, explaining what that meant: his gender identity was neither male nor female. The interest of the other teens was piqued.
I think I stopped breathing for a minute or two.
Joe patiently answered the questions that came. After a while, the personal revelation took a toll and Joe asked to leave the room. In a conversation with him later, I discovered that what really upset him was how accepting and non-judgmental we were. There was curiosity, yes. There was even some disbelief. But there was no judgment, criticism, or harsh words. That was not Joe’s experience at home. It seemed that Mom and Dad really struggled with the idea that their little girl was somehow now a boy.
I could understand their perspective, too.
Up until that week, I might also have reacted with skepticism. It’s hard to say. You don’t really know until faced with the situation. Joe was obviously sincere, deeply hurting, and really struggling with figuring out who he was rather than who other people thought he was supposed to be. While this was my first personal experience with non-binary gender identification, I quickly realized that Joe needed what all teens need: love and acceptance.
Sadly, Joe decided to go home. The combination of his personal revelation, the highly social experience of a camp, and a touch of homesickness was more than he could bear, no matter how supportive we all were. I hope he found his way to happiness. Perhaps the acceptance he felt in our little group made a difference.
I’ll never forget Joe.
Did you know that 1 out of 2000 babies are born as “intersex”, meaning something in their physical or physiological makeup does not match the traditional definition of male or female? 1 out of 2000. Many of those babies have surgery to “normalize” them. What do you think about that? What do you think about my Joe story? What do you think about parents who do or don’t support their transgender children? Do you really understand how genitalia are formed during gestation? Have you ever considered these issues?
If you want to learn more about non-binary gender identification and numerous other gender issues in our world, watch or set your DVR for the National Geographic special on February 6 at 9:00 p.m., titled “Gender Revolution: A Journey With Katie Couric.” (Preview below, check your local listings for the NAT GEO channel.) As Ms. Couric recently stated in an interview, gender identity issues aren’t new. What’s new is that we now have language for it. Watch the show so you are ready for the conversation.
Because, if you’re lucky, you might meet Joe someday.
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